As winter break approaches and school lets out for the holidays, most families look forward to celebrations filled with joy and togetherness. For children in divorced families, however, this season can bring uncertainty and stress when parents struggle to agree on holiday custody arrangements and time with extended family members.
What’s the key to making holidays work smoothly for everyone involved?
The starting point is simple yet crucial: If you and your former spouse aren’t going to celebrate together, you’ll need to thoughtfully divide the winter break period from the last day of school through the first day back. The way you approach this division will set the tone for whether your family experiences holiday joy or holiday stress.
Planning Your Holiday Time: Questions to Ask Yourself
As you prepare your divorce agreement or revise your existing Parenting Plan, take time to reflect on what matters most to you during the holiday season. Consider these essential questions: Where does my extended family live, and how important is it to spend holiday time with them? Am I hoping to plan a vacation during winter break? How significant are religious observances and traditions to me? Working through these questions will clarify your priorities and guide you toward the right type of custody schedule for your situation.
The good news is that there’s no single “correct” way to structure holiday parenting time. Release yourself from any rigid ideas about how holidays “should” work. What matters is finding an arrangement that serves your children’s best interests and allows both parents meaningful time with them. For instance, if one parent treasures Christmas Eve traditions while the other cherishes Christmas morning, you don’t need to alternate each year. It’s perfectly acceptable for one parent to consistently have December 24 while the other always has December 25, provided this arrangement benefits your family.
Throughout my work mediating divorces and crafting Parenting Plans with clients, I consistently encourage parents to think creatively and develop personalized schedules that honor their unique family traditions. What follows are five effective approaches to structuring holiday time with your children—consider these my gift to you this season. I hope these frameworks inspire you to create holiday arrangements that give your children the best possible celebrations.
1. The Alternating Year Approach
Under this straightforward schedule, custody alternates annually between parents. For example: “Children reside with Father during odd-numbered years and with Mother during even-numbered years.” To add clarity, the plan specifies exact timeframes: “The Christmas Eve period runs from December 23 at 3:00 pm through December 25 at 3:00 pm. The Christmas Day period runs from December 25 at 3:00 pm through December 27 at 3:00 pm.”
Benefits:
Both parents get opportunities to build lasting memories around both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with their children. The schedule provides predictability and transparency. Children understand they’ll spend time with both parents during the season, just in alternating years, which creates a reliable rhythm everyone can count on.
2. Joint Present Opening Time
This creative approach divides winter break into two segments: “The first portion of Winter Break runs from 3:00 pm on the final day of school through December 28 at 3:00 pm. The second portion extends from December 28 at 3:00 pm until 3:00 pm on the day school resumes.” Additionally, the parent without overnight custody on Christmas morning receives an invitation to participate in gift opening from 8:30 am to 10:30 am on December 25.
Benefits:
When parents can maintain a respectful, cooperative dynamic, sharing Christmas morning gift opening creates beautiful memories for children. Parents collaborate to determine the best location for this shared experience based on their children’s comfort and needs.
Important Considerations:
If joint Christmas morning isn’t feasible, explore other opportunities to spend time together as a family on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Your children will appreciate any effort you make to celebrate together peacefully. That said, don’t force it if tensions run high. Holiday arguments witnessed by children cause more harm than keeping celebrations separate. The priority is always doing what’s healthiest for your specific family dynamic. Many families thrive with entirely separate holiday celebrations, and that’s completely valid.
3. Annual Collaborative Planning
This flexible framework states: “By November 15 of each year, Mother and Father will communicate and establish a written agreement detailing the Christmas Eve and Christmas Day custody arrangement. The 48-hour holiday period will be divided equally between parents unless they mutually agree to different terms in writing.”
Benefits:
This approach shines for parents whose work schedules vary significantly from year to year. Perhaps one parent travels frequently for work, or someone has a job where holiday availability isn’t confirmed until shortly before December. This method also appeals to parents who prefer the freedom to adjust their holiday plans annually rather than following a fixed alternating schedule. The guarantee of equal time provides reassurance to both parents.
Important Considerations:
Build in a contingency plan for situations where parents can’t reach consensus. For example, if your Parenting Plan originated in mediation, you might include: “Should parents fail to reach a written agreement, they will schedule a mediation session to finalize their holiday schedule.” Including this conflict-resolution mechanism helps keep arrangements child-focused and low-conflict.
4. Travel Priority Option
This schedule provides: “During even-numbered years, Mother may travel with the children outside the immediate metropolitan area for Winter Break. Mother’s designated time in even years spans from 3:00 pm on the last day of school through 3:00 pm on December 27. If Mother chooses to remain local, Father receives custody from 3:00 pm to 9:00 pm on Christmas Day. Mother must inform Father by December 1 each year whether she plans to travel with the children or stay local. During odd-numbered years, Father has these same travel privileges and Christmas Day sharing arrangements.”
Benefits:
The travel priority option works beautifully when both parents desire the opportunity to take extended trips with their children during winter break. In your designated year, you have uninterrupted holiday time with the children for potential travel. The schedule also builds in flexibility—if the scheduled parent stays local, the children still get to see both parents on Christmas Day.
5. Honoring Existing Family Traditions
This approach might read: “Mother has custody every Christmas Eve evening to celebrate with her extended family. Following the Christmas Eve gathering, children will overnight with Mother in odd-numbered years and with Father in even-numbered years. To balance custody time, Father has the children every [Thanksgiving or Easter].”
Benefits:
This framework allows parents to preserve longstanding holiday traditions that predate the divorce. Maintaining consistency in celebrations benefits children, extended family members, and both parents. Keeping beloved traditions alive provides stability during a time of family transition. Plans like this typically emerge through mediation rather than courtroom litigation, as they require collaborative problem-solving.
Finding Your Family’s Perfect Fit
These five scheduling options represent proven strategies for sharing holiday parenting time, but they’re far from your only choices. Countless other creative arrangements might better suit your family’s unique circumstances. Your family is one-of-a-kind, your cherished traditions are personal to you, and a thoughtfully crafted, customized parenting plan will support everyone’s wellbeing through the holiday season and beyond.
If you need guidance from an experienced family law attorney or have questions about developing a holiday parenting schedule that works for your situation, please reach out. We’re here to help you navigate these important decisions with clarity and confidence.
If you’re ready to create a holiday parenting plan that truly supports your family’s needs, our divorce attorneys in Creve Coeur, St. Charles, and O’Fallon are here to provide clear guidance and dependable support.