The holidays can be an emotional minefield for divorced or separated parents, and Thanksgiving is no exception. Traditionally a time for families to come together, this holiday can become a source of stress and conflict when children need to split time between parents. Navigating who gets the children on Thanksgiving during a divorce can feel overwhelming, but it doesn’t have to be a battle. By approaching the situation with clear communication, flexibility, and a focus on the well-being of your children, you can make the best of a difficult situation.
In this post, we’ll explore strategies for handling custody arrangements during Thanksgiving, providing tips for communication, maintaining a healthy co-parenting relationship, and managing the emotional aspects of shared holidays.
Start the Conversation Early
Thanksgiving isn’t just another day—it’s a major holiday, and it deserves thoughtful planning. Ideally, you should start discussing your Thanksgiving plans with your separated spouse well before the holiday season arrives. This allows enough time to work out any scheduling conflicts and prevents last-minute scrambling. A clear, open conversation about who gets the children on Thanksgiving can help avoid misunderstandings and reduce tension. Don’t assume that your spouse has the same expectations or plans for the holiday. Starting the discussion early allows both of you to express your wishes, discuss what’s best for the children, and come to a mutually beneficial arrangement.
Be Open to Flexibility
Divorced parents often come into these conversations with their own emotional baggage and personal desires. Maybe you want to spend Thanksgiving with your children because it’s a time for you to create cherished memories. But your estranged spouse might also feel the same way, and you have to balance your own needs with those of your children.
If you’re used to celebrating Thanksgiving in a particular way, it can be tough to let go of traditions, especially if you’re emotionally attached to them. However, be prepared to compromise. Flexibility is key to making a holiday custody arrangement work. Consider a system where you alternate who gets the children for Thanksgiving each year. For example, you can agree that one parent will have the children for Thanksgiving one year, and the other will have them the next. If you already have a temporary parenting plan, and it’s your Thanksgiving to have the children, see if you can find a way to accommodate the other parent’s wishes. Perhaps you can allow them to have a shorter visit during the day, or you can shift the time to later in the day. If you both have strong desires to be with the children on Thanksgiving Day, consider splitting the holiday. You could celebrate with the children in the morning or early afternoon and let your spouse take over in the evening. Alternatively, you could switch the day: One parent can have the children for Thanksgiving dinner, and the other can have them for the holiday weekend. This level of compromise might require some back-and-forth negotiation, but it ensures that both parents can maintain a meaningful connection with their children during the holidays. The key is being adaptable and keeping your focus on what will work best for the children.
Focus on the Children’s Needs
It’s easy to get caught up in your own desire to be with your children on Thanksgiving, but the most important thing is to focus on what’s best for them. Children can be very sensitive to conflict between their parents, and holidays are no exception. It’s essential to create an environment where they feel loved and supported by both parents, regardless of the situation. Children thrive when they feel like they don’t have to pick sides or deal with tension between their parents. If both parents can agree on a plan and keep the peace, it will make the day far easier for the children to navigate. Try to avoid putting them in the middle or using them as a bargaining chip. When children see that their parents are working together, they’re more likely to feel secure and confident during the holiday season. Before making any decisions, talk to your children about their needs and desires. For instance, they may have friends or relatives they want to see, or they might have their own traditions they’d like to continue. Be open to hearing their preferences, but also guide them with the understanding that, while their voices matter, the final decision rests with the parents.
Be Respectful and Avoid Conflict
Holidays are often a time when old wounds can resurface, and Thanksgiving is no exception. It’s easy to let emotions or unresolved feelings from what resulted in the divorce, or the ongoing divorce process impact your discussions about who gets the children. However, it’s crucial to keep the conversation respectful and avoid conflict. If you and your spouse are on amicable terms, a calm, civil conversation about Thanksgiving plans will likely go more smoothly. If your relationship is more strained, it can help to communicate through a co-parenting app or a neutral third party such as a mediator, especially if direct communication tends to escalate tensions. It’s important to remember that Thanksgiving is about creating positive memories. Focusing on your children’s happiness and well-being should be the priority, even if it means letting go of some of your own desires. The last thing you want is for the children to remember this holiday as one fraught with tension between their parents.
Create New Traditions
If you and your separated spouse were once used to spending Thanksgiving together as a family, it can be especially hard to let go of the past. But remember, this is a new chapter in your life, and it’s an opportunity to create fresh traditions. Even if your children will spend Thanksgiving with you on alternate years or part of the day with you and part with your spouse, you can still make it meaningful. Use the time you have with the children to create special traditions that are unique to your situation. Whether it’s cooking a favorite meal together, volunteering, or starting a new holiday ritual, these traditions will help establish a sense of stability and joy. The key is to ensure the time spent with your children is filled with love and attention, rather than focusing on the absence of the other parent.
Handling the Emotional Impact of Shared Holidays
Even if you and your ex are doing everything right on the logistics side, the emotional impact of shared holidays can still be significant. For many parents, this is the first Thanksgiving they’ll experience apart from their children, which can be heart-wrenching. You may feel sadness, loneliness, or resentment that your children are not with you for the holiday. These emotions are valid, but it’s important to process them in healthy ways.
Seek support from friends, family, or a counselor who can help you navigate the emotional challenges of the holiday season. Consider making plans for your own holiday experience—whether it’s spending time with extended family, starting a new tradition for yourself, or focusing on self-care. Remember that while this may be a difficult time, it’s also an opportunity to reflect on your growth and how you’re building a new future for yourself and your family. If you’re struggling to handle the separation, it may also be helpful to set aside some time for self-reflection and gratitude. Thanksgiving is about being thankful for what you have, so use it as an opportunity to recognize your personal strength, the growth you’ve experienced, and the positive aspects of your life moving forward.
Be Prepared for Changes in Future Years
The first Thanksgiving after a separation is often the hardest, but it’s important to acknowledge that the situation may change in future years. Over time, custody arrangements can be modified as children grow older and their needs change. What works for one holiday might not be suitable for the next. Be open to reevaluating the arrangements annually, especially as your children’s needs, schedules, and relationships with both parents evolve. You might want to revisit the Thanksgiving plan every few years or after a major life event, such as a move or a change in custody schedules. Clear communication and the ability to adapt are essential for long-term co-parenting success. What’s important is that both parents continue to act in the best interests of their children and support them through every stage of their development.
Prioritize your Children and the Bigger Picture
Managing who gets the children on Thanksgiving after a divorce is never easy, but it doesn’t have to be a source of conflict. By starting early, being flexible, and focusing on the well-being of your children, you can create a positive holiday experience for everyone involved. Remember, your children will remember how you handled the situation, so try to make Thanksgiving a time for them to feel loved, supported, and connected to both parents. Keep the bigger picture in mind: your goal is to raise happy, well-adjusted children who feel loved by both parents, even if you no longer share a home. The holiday season can be difficult, but it’s also an opportunity to build new memories, traditions, and ways to support one another as a family, even after a divorce.
Should you need the assistance of an experienced divorce and child custody attorney in Creve Coeur and O’Fallon or have questions about your divorce situation, we are here to help and ready to discuss those questions with you.