Having practiced divorce law for over 25 years, I’m asked this question more frequently than perhaps any other. Every time someone poses it, I feel a sense of appreciation and respect. The very act of asking demonstrates appropriate concern and genuine insight about the profound importance of handling this delicate matter correctly. It tells me that despite whatever difficulties led to the divorce decision, the parents are still thinking clearly about what matters most – their children’s wellbeing.
My initial advice is always the same – invest time reading materials written by counselors, child psychologists, and family therapists who are far more qualified than I am to address the psychological and emotional dimensions of this conversation. The internet offers a wealth of resources, and bookstores and libraries contain numerous excellent books dedicated specifically to this topic. These experts have spent their careers studying child development and family dynamics, and their guidance is invaluable.
One critical principle cannot be overstated – planning ahead is absolutely essential. This is not a conversation to have spontaneously or in an off-hand, non-thought-out manner. Dropping this “bomb” without careful preparation can cause unnecessary confusion, fear, and long-term emotional harm. The way children first learn about their parents’ divorce often sets the tone for how they’ll process and cope with the entire experience going forward.
Both Parents Should Tell the Children Together
While I recognize this may not be feasible in many situations – particularly those involving abuse, high conflict, or circumstances where one parent has already left the home – it certainly represents the ideal approach whenever possible. If the relationship between spouses allows for it, presenting a civil “united front” provides children with immediate, powerful reassurance. This unified approach demonstrates visually and emotionally that despite the marriage ending, both parents will continue to be actively present and involved in their lives going forward.
Telling the children together also serves another crucial protective function. It prevents one parent from unintentionally, or in some unfortunate cases, intentionally, placing blame on the other. Children should never be put in a position where they feel they must choose sides or defend one parent against the other. When both parents deliver the news together with a consistent message, it establishes from the outset that this is a parental decision, not a situation where one parent is the “good guy” and the other is the “bad guy.”
Plan Exactly What You Will Say
One of the biggest mistakes parents make is believing they need to explain everything in detail. Many feel compelled to share “the truth” about what went wrong in the marriage, thinking that honesty requires full disclosure. This is misguided. Children do not need to know – and indeed should not know – the adult details of why the marriage failed. They don’t need to hear about infidelity, financial disputes, incompatibility issues, or any of the complex reasons that led to this decision.
The true objective of this conversation is straightforward. Provide children with reassurance and loving support during what will inevitably be a difficult transition. Generally, the message should be that both parents have decided to divorce because, after much consideration, they have concluded it’s best for the family. Explain that you’ve tried sincerely to work out your problems but ultimately have not been able to resolve them in a way that would allow the marriage to continue.
One message must be delivered with absolute clarity and emphasis. The divorce is not in any way, shape, or form the children’s fault. Children, especially younger ones, have a tendency toward magical thinking and often assume they somehow caused their parents’ problems. They may believe that if they had behaved better, gotten better grades, or been less demanding, their parents would still be together. This belief must be directly and repeatedly countered.
You want to emphasize with genuine emotion that the children are deeply loved by both parents and that this love will never end – not now, not after the divorce is final, not ever. Make it clear that you both understand the children love each of you, and that this mutual love needs to continue even after the divorce. In fact, you should encourage them to maintain their love for both parents without guilt or conflict.
Do everything within your power to ensure the children don’t feel caught in the middle of parental disputes. Being placed in that position is psychologically unhealthy and can cause lasting emotional damage. Hopefully, you can genuinely assure them that both parents will continue working together cooperatively to protect them, care for them, and support them through this transition and beyond. While the marriage is ending and the two of you won’t be husband and wife anymore, you will always be a family in the most important sense, and you will always be Mom and Dad.
Consider the Best Timing Carefully
Timing can be more important than many parents realize. Two common mistakes occur. Either springing the news on children suddenly without any preparation, or, telling them far too early when plans are still uncertain and tentative. Both extremes create problems.
If you announce the divorce impulsively during a heated argument or immediately after making the decision, children have no time to process the information or prepare emotionally. Conversely, if you tell them months before anything actually changes, you create an extended period of worry, anxiety, and uncertainty that can be equally damaging.
The ideal is a relatively brief transition period long enough that children don’t feel blindsided, but short enough that they’re not left in limbo wondering when their lives will change. Typically, telling children a few weeks before one parent moves out or major changes occur strikes the right balance. This gives them time to ask questions, process their emotions, and begin adjusting mentally while avoiding months of anxious anticipation.
Explain What Their Future Routines Will Look Like
While it may not be entirely possible to provide complete details pending court proceedings or while negotiations are ongoing, children desperately want to know what their new routines and daily lives will look like. Uncertainty is frightening, especially for children who thrive on predictability and routine. Address their most pressing concerns. What will stay the same? What will change?
Discuss the living arrangements once they’ve been agreed upon. Where they will live, when they’ll see each parent, how holidays will work, etc. Be as specific as you can be without making promises you might not be able to keep. Never lie to them, even if you think a small untruth might temporarily ease their worries. Lies always surface eventually and destroy trust at a time when trust is most needed.
Reassure them about the stability of the other important elements in their lives. Their friendships won’t change, and they will still see the same friends. Their activities won’t change, and they can continue with sports, music lessons, clubs, or whatever they’re involved in. Their school won’t change (if possible). These reassurances help children understand that while some significant things are changing, the fundamental structure of their daily lives will remain largely intact.
Expect and Welcome Lots of Questions
Every child reacts to divorce news differently, and those reactions depend heavily on their age, personality, and individual manner of processing difficult information. Some children become very quiet and withdrawn, needing time alone to think. Others immediately bombard parents with dozens of questions. Some cry, some get angry, and some appear surprisingly calm on the surface while struggling internally.
Don’t be afraid or embarrassed to acknowledge that you’re still working out certain details. Children can handle “I don’t know yet, but we’ll figure it out” far better than they can handle evasiveness or dishonesty. Answer their questions as honestly as you can while maintaining appropriate boundaries.
Here’s one absolutely critical rule. Discuss basic logistics and practical matters with your children, but DO NOT INVOLVE THEM IN DISCUSSIONS ABOUT COURT PROCEEDINGS, LEGAL STRATEGIES, OR THE ADVERSARIAL ASPECTS OF THE DIVORCE. They should never hear about lawyers, judges, custody evaluations, financial disputes, or any of the contentious elements that may be occurring. Those are adult matters, and burdening children with them is inappropriate and harmful.
Consider Professional Counseling Support
If the children demonstrate signs of having a difficult time handling the divorce – changes in sleeping or eating patterns, declining grades, withdrawal from friends, persistent sadness, or behavioral problems – seriously consider taking them to see a professional counselor who specializes in helping children navigate family transitions. These experts can provide children with healthy coping strategies and a safe, neutral space to express their emotions without fear of hurting or disappointing their parents.
Arranging counseling also sends children a powerful message that both parents care so much about their emotional health that they’re willing to bring in professional help. This demonstrates that despite the divorce, both parents remain united in their commitment to the children’s wellbeing.
By the same token, don’t neglect your own mental health during this extraordinarily stressful time. If you’re experiencing depression, insomnia, anxiety, or finding that emotional distress is affecting your work performance or daily functioning, obtain your own counseling. You cannot be the strong, stable, supportive parent your children need if you’re struggling with your own unaddressed mental health challenges. Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish—it’s necessary for taking care of your children.
Moving Forward Together
There is no single correct way to approach telling children about an intended divorce. Every family’s circumstances differ, every child’s needs are unique, and every divorce situation presents its own particular challenges. What works beautifully for one family might not be appropriate for another.
However, the very fact that you’re reading this information is extremely positive and encouraging. It provides clear evidence that you recognize how critically important your children’s emotional wellbeing is and reflects your genuine desire to protect and facilitate their continued mental and emotional health throughout this difficult transition.
After delivering this news, your job isn’t finished. In many ways, it’s just beginning. Keep a close, attentive eye on how your children are coping in the days, weeks, and months that follow. Watch for warning signs of emotional distress. Maintain open lines of communication. Reassure them repeatedly of your love. Demonstrate through consistent actions that while the family structure is changing, your commitment to them as a parent remains absolute and unwavering.
Remember that children are remarkably resilient when given the proper support, reassurance, and stability. With thoughtful planning, honest communication, and continued parental cooperation focused on their needs, children can navigate divorce and emerge emotionally healthy on the other side.
Should you need assistance from an experienced divorce and child custody attorney in Creve Coeur, St. Charles, or O’Fallon, or have questions about your divorce situation, we’re here to help and ready to discuss your concerns.