For separated parents, the holiday season brings unique challenges that can test even the most amicable co-parenting relationships. Thanksgiving, with its emphasis on family togetherness, often highlights the reality of split households and shared custody arrangements. The question of who gets the children on Thanksgiving doesn’t have to create conflict, though. With thoughtful planning and a child-centered approach, you can turn this potentially stressful situation into an opportunity for positive co-parenting.
Below you will find practical strategies for managing Thanksgiving custody arrangements while maintaining healthy relationships and keeping your children’s best interests at the forefront.
Put Your Children First
When emotions run high during the holidays, it’s essential to anchor yourself in what truly matters: your children’s well-being. Kids are remarkably perceptive when it comes to tension between their parents, and the holidays can amplify their anxiety about divided loyalties.
The goal is to create an atmosphere where your children feel secure in both parents’ love, regardless of which household they’re in on Thanksgiving Day. When they see their parents cooperating rather than competing, children experience less stress and can actually enjoy the holiday.
Involve your children in the conversation—age-appropriately, of course. They may have thoughts about which relatives they’d like to see or traditions they hope to continue. While the final decision rests with you and your co-parent, giving children a voice helps them feel heard and valued. Just be careful not to put them in a position where they feel they’re choosing one parent over the other.
Plan Ahead and Communicate Early
Waiting until the week of Thanksgiving to discuss holiday arrangements is a recipe for stress. The earlier you begin these conversations, the better chance you have of reaching an agreement that works for everyone.
Reaching out to your co-parent in advance gives both of you time to consider options, check with extended family members, and think through what matters most. It also prevents the last-minute panic that can lead to hasty decisions or unnecessary conflict.
Don’t make assumptions about what your co-parent is thinking or planning. Their expectations for the holiday may be completely different from yours. An early, straightforward conversation creates space for both parents to express their wishes and work collaboratively toward a solution that serves your children.
Embrace Compromise and Creative Solutions
Holidays bring out strong emotions and attachments to tradition, which can make flexibility challenging. You might have memories of Thanksgiving celebrations you cherish and want to recreate with your children. But your co-parent likely has similar feelings and desires.
The reality is that compromise is essential. Consider these approaches:
Alternate years: Many parents find success with a simple rotation—one parent has the children for Thanksgiving this year, the other has them next year. This approach provides predictability and ensures both parents get meaningful holiday time over the long term.
Split the day: If both parents want Thanksgiving Day itself, consider dividing it. One parent could have morning and early afternoon, while the other takes evening and overnight. Or you might celebrate the actual meal at different times—one parent hosts lunch, the other does dinner.
Trade holidays: Perhaps you care more about Thanksgiving while your co-parent prioritizes Christmas or another holiday. Trading can give each parent their most important celebration with the children.
Extend the celebration: Remember that Thanksgiving is more than just one day. You might celebrate on the actual holiday while your co-parent has the weekend, or vice versa. Some families even create “Thanksgiving Eve” or “Friendsgiving” traditions that allow everyone to participate.
The key is staying flexible and open-minded. What works perfectly this year might need adjustment next year as your children grow and circumstances change.
Keep Communication Respectful
Past hurts and ongoing divorce tensions can easily resurface during holiday planning discussions. The emotions that led to or resulted from your separation don’t disappear just because it’s Thanksgiving.
However, these conversations must remain respectful and focused on logistics rather than grievances. If you and your co-parent communicate well, a straightforward phone call or in-person discussion may work fine. If your relationship is more contentious, consider using co-parenting apps, email, or even a mediator to facilitate the discussion and keep things civil.
Remember that your children will sense hostility between their parents, and it will color their entire holiday experience. No matter how justified your feelings might be, Thanksgiving should be about gratitude and connection—not rekindling old arguments.
By keeping things respectful, you model healthy conflict resolution for your children and help them feel safe during what might already be a stressful time.
Build New Traditions
One of the hardest aspects of divorce is letting go of old family traditions. The Thanksgiving celebrations you once shared as an intact family can’t be replicated now, and that loss is real and valid.
But this is also an opportunity for something new. The time you spend with your children—whether it’s every Thanksgiving, alternating years, or just part of the day—can become special in its own right.
Create traditions that are uniquely yours. Maybe you start the day with a gratitude walk, establish a special breakfast tradition, volunteer together at a food bank, or cook a particular dish that becomes “your thing.” These new rituals provide stability and continuity for your children while acknowledging that your family structure has changed.
The traditions you build now will become the ones your children remember and potentially pass on to their own families someday. Focus on making your time together meaningful rather than trying to recreate what once was.
Manage Your Own Emotions
Even when you’re handling the logistics perfectly, shared holidays can take an emotional toll. If this is your first Thanksgiving without your children, you may struggle with loneliness, sadness, or resentment.
These feelings are completely normal and valid. Acknowledge them rather than pushing them away. At the same time, find healthy ways to process them that don’t involve your children or your co-parent.
Lean on your support system—friends, family members, or a therapist who can help you navigate the emotional challenges. Make plans for your own holiday, whether that means spending time with extended family, starting a new tradition with friends, or taking time for self-care and reflection.
Use Thanksgiving as its name suggests—as a time to practice gratitude. Reflect on your personal growth, your strength in navigating difficult circumstances, and the positive aspects of your life moving forward. This perspective shift can help you find peace even during difficult moments.
Stay Flexible for the Future
Your first Thanksgiving after separation often feels the hardest, but it’s important to recognize that what works now may need adjustment later. As your children mature, their needs, preferences, and schedules will evolve.
A custody arrangement that serves a toddler may not work for a teenager with their own social commitments. Be willing to revisit your Thanksgiving plans periodically—perhaps annually or when significant life changes occur like a relocation or change in custody schedules.
Ongoing communication and adaptability are hallmarks of successful long-term co-parenting. The goal isn’t to create a perfect plan that lasts forever, but rather to maintain a collaborative relationship that allows you to adjust as your family’s needs change.
The Bottom Line
Determining who gets the children on Thanksgiving doesn’t have to create conflict in your co-parenting relationship. Through early planning, genuine flexibility, respectful communication, and an unwavering focus on your children’s well-being, you can create a positive holiday experience for everyone.
Your children are watching how you handle this situation. They’ll remember whether Thanksgiving was a source of tension or an opportunity to feel loved by both parents. Keep the bigger picture in mind: you’re raising children who need to feel secure, valued, and connected to both parents, even though you no longer share a home.
The holidays, while going through a divorce, present challenges, but they also offer opportunities—to build new memories, establish fresh traditions, and demonstrate that families can evolve while love remains constant.
Get the Support and Guidance You Need from Our Family Law Attorneys
Should you need assistance from an experienced divorce and child custody attorney in Creve Coeur, St. Charles, or O’Fallon, or have questions about your post-divorce situation, we’re here to help and ready to discuss your concerns.