Going through a divorce is emotionally exhausting, and the last thing you want is communication barriers with your legal team. While email might seem like the easiest way to stay in touch with your lawyer, it’s often counterproductive and can actually harm your case. In my 27 years of practice, I’ve learned that emails work best for specific, limited purposes: confirming what we’ve already discussed in person or over the phone, sharing brief factual updates that don’t require a response, or asking simple questions that don’t need lengthy explanations—but only after we’ve truly understood each other and established clear communication patterns.
Here’s why relying on email for primary communication can actually hurt your case, cost you more money, and leave you feeling frustrated and unheard during an already difficult time.
Email Can’t Provide the Emotional Support You Need
Divorce is one of life’s most challenging experiences, ranking among the top stressful life events alongside death of a loved one and job loss. When you pour your heart out in emails to your lawyer, sharing deeply personal and painful situations about custody battles, financial fears, or betrayal by your spouse, you deserve immediate, thoughtful attention. These messages often contain raw emotion, desperate questions, and urgent concerns that require both legal expertise and human compassion.
But email strips away the human connection that’s so crucial during this vulnerable time. Lawyers receive 150-200 emails daily. In this avalanche of messages, your heartfelt concerns can get lost in the digital shuffle. You become just another subject line in an overflowing inbox, when what you really need is someone who can hear the pain in your voice and respond with both legal expertise and human compassion.
The fragmented, impersonal nature of email simply can’t provide the nuanced support you need during divorce proceedings. When you’re dealing with issues like child custody schedules, property division disputes, or concerns about your financial future, you deserve more than a rushed, clinical response typed between court hearings.
Security Concerns Put Your Privacy at Risk
Your divorce involves some of your most private information—detailed financial records, personal disputes with your spouse, intimate family matters, custody concerns, and confidential legal strategies. Email is fundamentally not a secure platform for these sensitive communications, despite how routine it might feel to use it.
During a divorce, one of the biggest security risks is that your spouse may still have access to your email accounts. Many couples share passwords, use the same computer, or have linked accounts that were set up during the marriage. Your spouse might know your security questions, have access to your phone for two-factor authentication, or simply remember passwords you’ve used in the past.
Consider what’s typically discussed in divorce communications: bank account numbers, social security information, details about marital assets, allegations against your spouse, concerns about children’s safety, and strategic decisions about settlement negotiations. If your spouse has access to these communications, they could use this information to hide assets, prepare counter-strategies, or even use your private concerns against you in court proceedings.
Even if you’ve changed your passwords, email security remains problematic. Your spouse might have access to devices that automatically log into your accounts, recovery email addresses that are still shared, or cloud backups of your messages. In contentious divorces, some spouses actively try to monitor their partner’s communications, and email provides an easy target for this kind of surveillance.
While law firms take privacy seriously and implement various security measures, your personal email account remains a vulnerable weak point in the security chain. A spouse with access to your email communications could gain insight into your legal strategy, financial planning, or personal concerns—giving them an unfair advantage in the divorce proceedings.
Email Creates Communication Chaos
Email is simply a poor communication tool for complex legal matters, and divorce cases are inherently complex. Important context gets lost when conversations are broken up across multiple message threads. Misunderstandings multiply when there’s no opportunity for immediate clarification. Key information disappears in cluttered inboxes where urgent messages get buried under routine correspondence.
Without real-time feedback, small misunderstandings can spiral into major delays. For example, a simple question about a parenting schedule can turn into a confusing back-and-forth about pickup times, holiday arrangements, and school responsibilities—all because the initial email lacked sufficient context or was misinterpreted.
Legal matters are intricate by nature, involving specific terminology, procedural requirements, and strategic considerations that don’t translate well to brief written messages. Even well-intentioned emails can be misinterpreted when they lack the tone of voice, facial expressions, and immediate clarification opportunities that come with direct conversation. A poorly worded message, autocorrect error, or simple typo can lead to confusion that requires multiple follow-up emails to resolve—ultimately delaying progress on your case when time is often critical in divorce proceedings.
Furthermore, email threads become unwieldy quickly. Important decisions and agreements get lost in long chains of messages, making it difficult to track what was actually decided versus what was merely discussed or proposed.
The Hidden Financial Costs of Email Communication
You might think sending a quick three-sentence email is more cost-effective than calling your lawyer, but this assumption often proves costly. That brief email frequently turns into an extensive chain of 5, 10, or even 15 messages as questions multiply, clarifications become necessary, and new issues emerge from the original inquiry.
Clients can quickly accumulate substantial attorney fees by sending lengthy emails that require detailed responses or by sending multiple emails throughout the day that each need individual attention. Each message requires time to read, evaluate, categorize, and respond to appropriately. These communications often include requests for your lawyer to review correspondence from your ex-spouse, seeking opinions on proposed responses, or looking for reassurance about decisions you’re considering. While you may feel productive when sending frequent updates and questions, this constant back-and-forth doesn’t actually move your case forward—it creates administrative work that prevents your legal team from focusing on meaningful strategy and advocacy for your case.
This kind of email overload creates a false sense of progress. You might feel like you’re actively working on your case by sending frequent updates and questions, but you’re actually generating expensive busywork that prevents your legal team from focusing on high-value activities like negotiation strategy, document preparation, court filings, and case research.
Additionally, the fragmented nature of email communication means that your lawyer often needs to piece together information from multiple messages to understand the full picture, which takes additional billable time that could be eliminated with a single comprehensive conversation.
A Better Approach: Strategic Phone Conversations
Instead of defaulting to email, consider scheduling focused phone conversations with your lawyer. This approach offers significant advantages that will improve both your experience and your case outcomes:
Clarity and Efficiency: A 30-minute call can resolve issues that might require dozens of emails over several days or weeks. You can explain your concerns comprehensively, ask follow-up questions immediately, and receive detailed feedback in real-time. Your lawyer can ask clarifying questions to ensure they fully understand your situation, your goals, and your concerns before providing advice.
Cost-Effective Communication: Since lawyers bill by the hour, a single comprehensive call addressing multiple issues is often more economical than an extended email chain that drags on for days. It allows your legal team to focus on case strategy, document preparation, and advocacy rather than inbox management and email interpretation.
Stronger Attorney-Client Relationship: Phone conversations build trust, rapport, and understanding in ways that email simply cannot. Your lawyer can hear the emotion in your voice, understand your priorities more clearly, and provide reassurance when needed. This personal connection leads to better representation because your attorney develops a deeper understanding of what matters most to you.
Enhanced Security: Phone calls and secure video platforms are far less vulnerable to interception than email. You can discuss sensitive details freely without creating a permanent digital record that could be discovered, hacked, or subpoenaed later.
Immediate Problem-Solving: When issues arise, phone conversations allow for collaborative problem-solving in real-time rather than waiting for email responses that may miss important nuances.
Making the Most of Your Scheduled Calls
To maximize the value of your conversations and ensure efficient use of both your time and money:
Prepare in advance: Write down key questions, concerns, and updates before the call.
Gather any relevant documents or information you’ll need to reference. This preparation helps you stay focused and ensures you don’t forget important points.
Set a clear agenda: When scheduling the call, let your lawyer know the primary purpose and topics you want to discuss. This allows them to prepare appropriately, gather necessary files, and allocate sufficient time for the conversation.
Take notes: During the call, write down important advice, deadlines, and action items. This eliminates the need for follow-up emails asking “what did we decide about…”
Follow up wisely: If action items arise during the call, confirm them before hanging up rather than sending lengthy email summaries later.
Moving Forward With Better Communication
Your divorce is too important to be hampered by inefficient communication methods. While email might feel convenient and less intimidating than phone calls, it often creates more problems than it solves—risking your privacy, wasting money, increasing confusion, and preventing you from getting the personalized guidance you need during this critical life transition.
Remember, your legal team isn’t a customer service department responding to routine inquiries—they’re skilled advocates working to protect your interests, your children’s wellbeing, and your financial future during one of the most important legal matters you’ll ever face. By choosing strategic phone conversations over scattered emails, you’ll receive clearer guidance, more efficient service, and more effective representation.
Your case deserves focused attention, and so do you. The next time you’re tempted to fire off another email, pick up the phone instead. Schedule that call—it’s an investment in both your peace of mind and your legal outcome that will pay dividends throughout your divorce process and beyond.
If you’re facing a divorce in Missouri, our experienced family law team is ready to help protect your financial future. We serve clients throughout the St. Louis area, including Creve Coeur, St. Charles, and O’Fallon, and we’re prepared to discuss the unique circumstances of your case.